and now, juneteenth

 

2021 : a national holiday

happy juneteenth!

the wheels of justice turn slowly : but they do turn.

the way appears

 

quit running away from ... begin moving toward ...

running away from __________ only extends the time it takes to see it in the actual rear view. in order to really see ____________ in that rear view, you've got to look forward ... into what's next, whether you can actually see anything there or not. the windshield you're looking through should be clean and free of distractions. you should by now have a sense of the direction you'll head, so set out!

if you don't have a fair sense of your direction, get one! then set out!

of greatest importance is setting out! getting the show on the road! putting one day at a time between here & whatever is there! ... and firm in the knowing that whatever is there will materialize as i set out on the way! 

as you start to walk on the way, the way appears ~rumi

i'm so thrilled in this time to start out on the way! for the first time, i am confident in my own ability : thank you source!

now i simply have to figure out how to quell the addiction; the constancy of a 10 year friendship/relationship/partnership. i know it's important to my forward momentum to do this alone; not try and fill the hole with something bad for me ... or with something good for me. i do not need any holes filled : i must feel myself alone ... feel myself pulling myself away from the overwhelming urge to pick up the phone and call, as i have so many thousands of times over the past years. 

on the way out here to find out the truth of us i heard 3 times in one day how i would simply have to follow my heart : i heard and heeded and did, and found the answers i was looking for : it took a bit of courage to face the truth of it ...

i may talk myself into being righteously angry : or i may talk myself into allowing my anger to meld into the story of the end of us. it is surely the end of us, and even as the ending is thus, so is it the beginning. here is the actual brass ring i've been searching for as long as i can remember!

the thing that hurts the most is that it feels as though you threw us away. even though i did not want to be here, i still was, and it hurt to think how little that meant to you. you are too good at talking out of both sides of your mouth ... i was convinced that you were worth it, and thus i was not. the conundrum was, for me, always whether i should go with your needs or mine. we went with yours for a while, then mine. yours ultimately took the day however, and so that left mine without a home or even an honest intention.

here's what is relevant though : in this time, this lovely, hard, beautiful, sad, hopeful, inevitable moment of endings & beginnings, i choose (because i can) to look forward, through the bright & beautiful windshield and into the sun. i shall watch the clouds gather in my rear view, and wish good rain upon the earth ...

i am whole : i am enough : i am : i am : i am

new thought : new outlook : new life

 

you can't wait until life isn't hard anymore, 

before you decide to be happy 

~ jane marczewski

thing is ... lots of people have settled for some form of 'unhappy' as a way of being because they have lost the ability (interest?) to see joy or peace. settling for life's hardness as a matter of course : seeing it that way, expecting it to be hard, waking each day with a sense of dread; or moreover, without a sense of curiosity, wonder or open-ness to joy in the mundane is a symptom. when the first thought of the day brings itself from the spirit of 'i'm not okay, and therefore i will create my relationships with every being i encounter from the perspective of how 'bad' things really are,' it very often holds a powerful ability to create the trajectory of the day toward the self-fulfilling idea of how awful things really are ...

look for yourself where you are. ... thanks abraham!

so, to redirect this thought ... which is as simple as creating a new thought ... let's bring about the good stuff. give yourself and those you're in life with a hug : physical, mental, relationally, or in other ways you can conjure. it is important to always, always be of service to the good in life; and there is no more grand creation than becoming your own best advocate, and teaching others that your advocacy is part of your way of being, and they can count on you for it. this in turn creates in you the ability to become advocate for other good in the world, synergistically. in the words of the airline : put your own mask on first! your own air flow is the only way you can begin to assist ... even if your assistance includes sharing your air! 'they' don't call it the 'breath of life' for nothing you know...

now, extrapolate the scenarios contained in each of the two paragraphs above to day after day after day. consider the possibility of the reality in living each storyline contains .

there is pure access in living life from the perspective of what you do want, instead of the equal but opposite : the perspective of what you don't want. getting 'used to' imagining what you do want involves a bit of introspection, a bit of courage, and a bit of 'why not???' breathed into the concoction only you can create!

getting 'used to' allowing yourself the power of creation also involves getting your balance; and getting rid of inertia! the law of inertia says that you will stay where you are unless you are interrupted by a force. now, in truth, life itself keeps on going, so there is every chance that inertia will be interrupted anyway ... power is possibility to endeavor/delve to become your own best force.

power is joy

power is knowing

power is advocacy

power is ability

power is whatever one needs it to be in service of living one's only life congruously. 

become an advocate for the good in the world, consciously. ... the only requisite is advocacy for your own good-ness in the world.

hallelujah!

when i allow myself to 'purge,' i feel much better --

lighter, free'er, more like i'm respecting me, instead of swallowing whole something that feels & tastes like moldy bread.

it feels equally good to be free of something that causes a never healing wound in my soul -- & equally in my heart. ... & also equally good to finally be on my way!! headlong into my future -- one of my own choosing!

for, if i have learned anything, it is this :

*     I AM FREE     *

*     I CHOOSE     *

*     HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB     *

serendipity

 

i aspire to trust that what unfolds is for the best : and to trust in my own ability to create my own best.

i aspire to create myself within what unfolds; bringing the cast of characters and situations and circumstances with clarity in my own self-ascribed north star.

should an idea begin and should i nourish and sustain it, a certain set of circumstances becomes set into motion, only guided by my own love ... 

what do i love?

i am, and know my own blessing, my own admittance into my own dream.

sifting & sorting1 gives me the idea of what i do want and what i don't want ...

1thanks abraham!

forgiveness must come also : first for myself. my having not been perfect is exactly the wounds where the light came in2

2thanks rumi, lao tzu, leonard cohen. (to the bibliophiles among us, it is, for me, a rumi-esque or rather taoist thought, thunk by leonard cohen.)

i believe a large part of advancing beyond self-forgiveness is about a willingness to move on from whatever it is that no longer serves in order to advance my own self into my own future. the thing is, being of service is a two-way street, and if i find myself being of service into my universe and i find my universe being of service into my way forward, then mutuality has occurred.

the mistake that i hear most often is when being of service into our own universe harms another. being of service, in itself advocates a willingness to offer whatever gifts one has to give.

how may i serve?3

3thanks! dr. wayne dyer; thanks and hail to the chief jfk!

'service' in this context is the giving of gifts from the heart, whatever they may be.

when you see someone, offer a smile of acknowledgement. one of the ways we can reconnect with our own soul is in reconnecting with others, our hearts full of namaste : 

to declare oneself able to be, do and have usually requires a bit of work in the 'able' context.

the courage to do, be & have all i choose to do be & have begins with fixation upon freedom, of self allowance, awareness and self countenance. freedom implies one lives in satiety with their being ... if one is not 'free' then one is encumbered to the 'is' of what is, is.

acceptance of 'is' is taking a hard left when the directions called for smoothly moving forward...

i've already been 'stuck.' i didn't like it one bit.

my preference? what is possible?

which gets right back to trust in unfoldment & creation of my own best.

dearest david

 first & foremost, thank you!

Your generosity of spirit is one of your most super of superpowers.

you showed me much about what is inside myself, and i am better for having known you.

i always knew i could trust you with my life -- i somehow also always knew that i could never trust you with my heart.

if you ever find yourself wondering 'why?' i have 3 words for you:

jolene ... jolene ... jolene.*

i'm not sure what you call her; 
i just call her 'NEXT.' 

the truth is, i've known about a number of 'them' through the years, although probably not all of them.

she, however, is the 'right' one for me to end the lie of you and me

*don't worry, dear reader ... the version of this paper i gave to its antagonist had her actual full name ... and the (real) names of all of 'them' have been changed herein. none are innocent, but there's no blame, and certainly no hard feelings (from me) either. while it's not ok for them to entertain feelings with an otherwise partnered person, that's their karma.

with all of them, it's always the same : you meet them, seduce them, keep them enthralled with your stories & poems until you're bored; and then just wait for the 'next' one.

'she' appears without fail -- again & again.

*I DESERVE BETTER.*

my advice? when you find someone you want to be with,

STOP.
SEDUCING.
OTHER.
WOMEN.

        ... or don't.

if this story were a book, it would be called: 

'CHEATER : when 'friendship' turns sensual, then sexual.'

don't try to lie to yourself, or to me : you did this ... i can actually name several of 'them.' they were all seduced & sexualized in some form or another. by you.

a couple were brief --
a couple more lasted years.

i'm sure that this 'next' will come to know the whole cast of them, one way or another ... oh, wait, she's married! whatever will you do?

suffer? poor you.

you brought at least two into our relationship when it was new, and got a few more after we were together.

i realize you do not find any harm in this/your behavior, and are probably only continuing long held habits.

know this : it's NOT ok.

i could have simply left & not let you know how much this behavior hurts, but i would like for you to know in your heart of hearts that 

actions have consequences.

regarding the set of facts that have been gathering through the years, the court of public opinion will say that i am foolish for having stayed as long as i did. i agree! while i 'knew' it was all going on, i also 'knew' i would face myself ultimately, and wanted to be certain of my own ability to recover in my countenance. while the 'fact' of your behavior stopped any ability on my part to find myself able to imagine a future with you, i also loved my life with you : until i didn't. 

you will say that i was never a prisoner here : that i was always free to go. in a literal sense, that may have been true. practically, however, it was never even an option. readers of this blog will recall that my last post was a long time ago, and addressed this very topic.

it was at the point of 'didn't love my life with you' several years ago that i committed to, and began creating the ability for, my exit. it took a lot longer than i would have wanted, but i was ultimately successful in its execution, and have you to thank for the ideas of some of the  components.

based on some articles, conversations, titles of books, television shows, etc. the problem of a woman's ability to exit a 'bad' relationship is a massive, massive issue.

i feel very lucky to have been able to conjure it, figure it out and move myself forward. it took a patience that went way beyond understanding, and the same kind of crazy peace in myself to allow for the pace of its slow but sure fruition.

this past year has obviously, also, prepared you for my departure ... thus i am happy to see you so publicly moving forward.

it's all good.

through it all, i learned a lot about what 'want,' and 'don't want.' so, for the lessons, i am grateful ... & for the fun!

i have also learned (thankfully) through this process that i am able to conjure my own way forward, and most importantly that my time is the most valuable thing i possess; certainly more important to me than to spend any more of it with someone who does not value or respect me enough to be faithful. ... NO.

i now conjure a spiritual equal; 

a journeyer, a seeker,

one in whom i may rest; who finds respite in me.

it's funny in a way : kathy asked me if there is someone else ... i sort of laughed to myself -- i have never once cheated on you -- nor even flirted with anyone.

... certainly did not advance 'friendship' beyond 'friends.'

i held you & my attachment to you in too high esteem

to sully it with something so base as a stupid dalliance!!! 

*much less 5 or 10 of them!*

so, i'm done scolding you now ... thanks in part to you, i fully know my worth ... i will always remember our time together fondly.

i will be fine & will find something nice for myself -- whether with or without a partner -- but probably with.

i did (& do) love you david.

when, pray tell, did you 'END' it with me? 

... as surely you would have her believe, no? 

... as they've surely all believed?

none of it matters, i suppose ...
it is ended - i'm gone. 

i'm glad you landed somewhere soft ... i told you you would -- they all think you're a rock star.

clearly this one likes your "need" -- i'm glad.

the downer (for me) is that you didn't have the COURAGE to end it with me ... or even to tell me!!

the difference this time is i'm gone ... you made our entire time together a lie over & over & over again.

i never imagined you a COWARD, but alas --

dalliances:
verna                    karen                      
juanita                     amanda
beatrice                    jolene

these are the ones that i can remember/know about : all during 'our' time together.

seriously, i had shoved it all so deep inside i didn't even realize how much i despised it.

i wasn't yet ready to not be in life with you, i guess; 

unless somewhere in the long ago i promised to repay you for something -- which is possible.

if i'm honest, i've been subconsciously conjuring our separation for years.

i tried & tried to let you go ...

wanted you to! 

you didn't want to : wouldn't!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you always said i was free

Now I AM!!

it's exhilarating, scary, full of promises i've made to myself, exciting, awaiting, & ready to show itself to me!!!

so, thank you for being part of my journey thru here -- you pirate you ...

... & now i can be WHO I AM --

 -- & my debt is done ...

IT'S MY TURN ~

FROM MY HEAD

& MY HEART

& INTO MY HANDS

... & you really were the wind beneath my wings; 

just as you promised.

you also said to me that first night we met :

"I AM THE WIND, YOU ARE THE SAIL!"

on that magical night, i thought to let you kiss me deeply ...

if you wanted to.

instead, i said to you

"NO. I AM THE WIND."

the kiss was just a brush of lips touched together; and a hasty 'goodnight.'

& now, some years later, 
we blow our own way --

it is the natural way of things

when stars collide.

lesson learned!

a while back, i wrote : "it seems in this time, 'trapped' is a more tenable position than 'homeless.' it feels a lot like a lesson, and i've set my sights on breaking this pattern : this time, allowing my way to find me."

those words, in that moment, created in me an impetus to 'get busy.' i realized that the 'helpless' feeling of trapped or stuck is merely a feeling : a lesson to be learned, and thus overcome. 

i began having 'conversations with angels' through signs and signals i had been perceiving for a while. at first, i would pay great attention to the ideas contained in feathers. this evolved over time to encompass other elements of angelic communication, and i began to really pay attention to number sequences that made themselves known to me in various ways. 

all of this is important in the evolution of creating my own idea of what living my life is, and is to be.

i mention the above because lately number sequences have been making themselves known to me, and most recently i've been seeing 9's, everywhere!

having researched, i know that sequences of 9 have to do with 'endings,' and the work i've been lately drawn to has had much to do with beginning anew, which involves ending the current phase.

this has all been very enlightening, and i am readily giving myself to a loving embrace of this new beginning. having done so much work in and on my own psyche, consciously nurturing and creating this beautiful dream, i've also recognized the lesson in landing where i did. this made for a seismic shift in my own perceptions : i have always known 'that' i wanted, but didn't know 'what!'

i didn't realize it at the time, but the very perception and acknowledgment of the lesson itself, my part in it, and the recognition that i had completed it moved everything toward that seismic shift i had been craving.


i was stunned this morning by a random 'message' from the universe. 

although i don't know the details, 

i accept the gift, gratefully.

in the words of abraham-hicks, this story is called 'conscious co-creation.'

whatever it's called, thank you universe - 

thank you, thank you, thank you.

synchronicity

the problem with looking back is you can't see what's ahead ...

lately i've been thinking quite a bit about releasing the things i've brought into my experience which no longer serve me. i know cerebrally what these things are, but as with most things - even if a thing is unpleasant or daunting, longevity gives a certain presence : and thus acceptance in the maelstrom of me just living.

what strikes me in this moment is that i find myself saying 'what is, is.' a lot. this benign sounding statement is, in itself, creating (my life as i choose it). i hadn't realized that. the awareness, of course, is that this is the reason that what is, is, has become created. my 'inspired action' in this realization is to create! the simple (and necessary) difference i can make(!) is to re-create the statement : what is possible?

one of the rituals i treat myself to involves a mantra that i have that pretty much sums up my own true north :

i am strong and healthy in my mind, i am.

i am strong and healthy in my body, i am.

i am strong and healthy in my faith, i am.

when i began stating the mantra before sleep each night, i found that some of the dark places my mind tried to take me while i slept (awakening me occasionally with their lucidity) abated over time. this was validation of the beginning of reprogramming my mind. the mantra began to feel almost like a shield, a protector of my psyche, helping my mind, body and faith to become stronger : and a knowing of its power to help me became one of my most valued possessions. the mantra has now grown, and there are a couple more lines that added themselves :

i am strong and healthy in my optimism, i am.
i am strong and healthy in my finances, i am.

i am able, i am.

i am a blessed human, and i am grateful.

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

yes, that is 7 times. i find that when i say 'thank you' 7 times, my spirit feels viscerally lighter (and heard) by the universal intelligence. this exercise is (actually) only for me, as the universal intelligence always 'hears' me, whether i choose to tune in or not. not my words, per se, but who i am teaching the world that i am by my countenance, demeanor and emotions. i always get more of what i communicate that i want ... not with words, which spirit doesn't necessarily 'hear,' but rather with sensory and emotional feeling : also known as 'vibration.'

another benefit of the mantra is that i absolutely feel myself bringing my new reality, formerly known as my dream.

... and i've been seeing a lot of 5's lately (which heralds big change for my highest good)
... and a lot of 7's : saying 'you're on the right path. keep doing what you're doing.'

all of the above is called 

'synchronicity.' 

... and you, my dear, are involved : thank you, too.





it's good to be back : i've missed you!

...

back porch

to be clear, life is very, very good; and i am very, very grateful! this morning the message of today which makes itself clear in awareness is : 

find one thing in your life that gives you no trouble 

and brings unfettered joy, and fixate on that.

~ abraham hicks

i was a bit surprised 

to learn that this combination 

is not the 

easiest to pinpoint 

or discern.

it seems as though 'something in my life that gives no trouble' is a fairly straightforward direction, but when adding 'unfettered joy' into the equation ... let's just say it sparked in me the thought that i should contemplate it here, with you.

so, for something in my life that gives no trouble and brings unfettered joy, i am on my back porch in a hammock, the morning sun is sparkling, there is a warm breeze and honey bees are busy collecting pollen. butterflies flit and float in and out of view, and the poppies and daisies and cosmos are blooming. the curly willow is swaying in the breeze and the wind chime gently sings the lovely song of perfect pitch ... i have a tall skinny glass of fresh squeezed orange/grapefruit/tangerine juice, and the only sound is those sweet bees buzzing in concert with the chime in the soft breeze. this thought gives me no trouble and brings unfettered joy! but, alas, this does not fit the third criteria of the thought of the day : this is not my life -- except it is! in my head. 

the discovery here is this is all that's needed. if/when i create it in my head like i want it to be in my reality, i'm half-way there. the other half is working like crazy to put me right into that lovely hammock. my job is to enjoy it, and i most certainly do.

the wonderful thing about this thought is that i can also place my back porch anywhere in the world i want it, and i can make the morning the exact temperature that i want it to be. i can dress myself any way i like, and wear my hair any way i want. i can create my glass of juice with any fruits i'd like, or enjoy a smoothie. since i'm dreaming, i can place my back yard in a city or in the country or at the ocean or in the desert, and i can make my house out of rock or out of wood or brick or adobe. i can have the most perfect garden party planned for later in the day, or i can have a whole day to just hammock.

any way i imagine it, i am living it in my mind. my job, you see, is to imagine it like i want it to be, to be grateful for ability to see it, and to express my joy in it. i can look around where i am in my mind and see my own version of this moment, as i imagine it, and be so happy! the lesson here is not that this place exists only in my mind and it's not real, but that i can be happy -- i can conjure myself in a mental state of gratitude for the sweetness of everything working out just right, for how i feel when my day is perfect. in this kind of thought, i can feel the breeze on my skin, feel my body swinging gently in the hammock, see my house and the flowers in my yard, or place this porch in a resort or spa somewhere in the world, imagining myself there for a month or 6. writing this story gives my inner guide the idea of how i want my life to look in reality, and puts my north star on track toward the reality i see myself living in. the more i place myself in my hammock, the more clearly destiny lines me up for bringing my vision into reality. this kind of thought is the recipe for myself becoming the person in the hammock. 

what i know for sure is that where i am right now is the sum total of all the thoughts i've had about how life should be up to now. i'm really just learning to image myself into my own imagination. it's taken a while, and its because i didn't understand how to do it, or how important it is that i am consistent about doing it. 

another thing i know for sure is that if i would choose a different vision, that one would be the one that gets transmitted to my own inner guide. i can choose a positive outlook about how my life looks, or i can choose a negative outlook. it's entirely up to me. i can also choose to allow other people to dictate how my vision for myself looks, or i can choose to create my own : it's all up to me! now, that's a powerful thought ... don't you think?

i can commiserate how long it's taken me to get myself into this hammock, or i can relish being in it. i can cry about how far my 'reality' looks from this back porch, or i can enjoy it. you see, it's my choice. 

... and i'm so very eager for that glass of juice! sounds delicious!

watch this space...

even if ...

even if

nothing ever comes of it, i know i have answered my call.

even if

everything comes of it, i know i have answered my call.

that is all.

those who do, do.

those who do not, do not.

this morning i struggled with a feeling of 'trapped.' it seems i have spent a lifetime searching for 'my own' life, and have yet to hold in my hands the version of it that i desire. this version, which i carefully, thoughtfully created, lives vibrantly in my head and in my heart. i see it! i feel myself in it! i intimately know it! every fiber of my being knows its colors, textures, ambient temperature, tastes, smells, ambiance, lighting, occupants, schedules, the pattern of the quilt on my bed, how my time is spent, what i am accomplishing, and the extreme satisfaction of deliberately creating this dream. the ongoing creation has been with me, evolving, for many, many years, and so finding myself entrenched herein is the most delightful, satisfying thought i find myself thinking.

the life i find myself actually waking up to daily is alright, even good, and i so appreciate waking up in an environment that is safe, loving, and permits me to dream. when I first got here i knew it was a temporary rest stop, after having rescued myself from a charismatic, adventurous, highly toxic partner of several years. i was so happy to have found a respite, a new direction from which to leap into this fantastic dream. i relished my time, relished this new life, and found immense gratitude and abundance in it. i set out with an intention to heal, and so i have. to get from where i was (trapped, suicidal at times, and so scared) to where i am (also trapped, but in a more conducive cage), has taken several years. i have experienced great joy, peace, love and satisfaction here, and am very, very grateful. i have also diligently grown my dream, taking it from abstract to actual in my thoughts. this is also a source of much gratitude.

it strikes me that this identification of 'trapped' seems a recurrent pattern, and so it is with great appreciation that i was pondering it this morning. when this feeling creeps in and threatens to overtake whatever good i am currently intending, it seems to have a prescience and power i do not understand. i reflect on the questions of 'where i am,' 'where i've been,' and 'where i'm dreaming;' and (from the perspective of 'trapped') think intently on finding my way into the living of my own dream. you might imagine that (from this perspective) there are no real answers, no miraculous steps i have found to take, no obvious ways of true forward momentum … i am, in the moment of it, 'trapped.'

in the past, when i was a younger person, this feeling would contain impetus to create shift in my situation : i would pull up whatever stakes that were holding me in the place of 'trapped,' move on and begin anew; soon finding myself once again 'trapped' in another situation that in no way resembled my own dream for myself and my life; but did hold the recognition of forward momentum. in its own way it always felt 'right' to find myself in yet another situation, for the good of it, and for the not so good of it.

there were always adventures, always fun, always reason to keep going, until that old feeling would creep in and tell me it was time to go, yet again. i do realize that this is one way we are propelled forward in our respective journeys, but this time i am unwilling to face or contemplate a state of 'homeless,' which is why i am in this moment, feeling the feeling of 'trapped.' it seems in this time, 'trapped' is a more tenable position than 'homeless.' it feels a lot like a lesson, and i've set my sights on breaking this pattern : this time, allowing my way to find me. i am eager to experience my own next, and to do my best to be patient with myself to allow the unfolding. in the meantime i am doing all i can daily to prepare myself for the shift.

the truth is i am 'safe,' but increasingly restless. i am diligently moving my focus into the direction of my own sacred dream, and actively pursuing that 'whatever it is' that will bring me into it. i've opened several avenues from which this great shift (gift) may appear, and have faith in every one of them. i also have great faith in (and am on the lookout for) as yet unknown scenarios as they may come. i am open and receptive to new pathways of generation, and doing the beautiful work of setting my soul up for acceptance of forward momentum that divine intelligence has in store for me. i know i have something important to do here, and am actively, daily, doing the best i can to be receptive to the awareness of its certain direction.

in the contemplation of 'trapped' this morning came a marvelous shift; first, after wondering about why some people are able to seemingly move effortlessly into the direction of their dreams, creating consciously (or not), lives they truly want to live; why it has been my 'lot' to struggle so with even being able to create my own home for myself. i then wilted into meltdown around how much i 'just' want my home, 'just' want my own ability around being in my own life, with the ability to choose what that looks like, and how long in my life i've longed for these things.

i then recognized (and was able to name) the old feeling of 'trapped,' showing up again and again, and now again. the work i have recently been contemplating is abraham-hicks, (which has been unbelievably helpful with creating myself aware of my own accountability). one of the exercises i am doing is listening to various lessons on various topics. this morning i found (was lead to) one called 'reach for your inner resources.' there was a man from the audience who asked abraham about a recurring theme in his life : worrying. i recognized in that moment that 'trapped' is a recurring theme in my own life and listened intently. of course, the context of abraham's answer was directed toward this man's question, but i found so much guidance in the answer that i was able to not only bring myself out of the feeling of 'trapped,' but was able to identify it as a recurring pattern in my own life. i was able to see how i can help and love myself through the moments of recognition (despair, isolation, giving up, fear of homelessness, fear of 'is this really all there is,' time running out, abandonment by the universe for not bringing my dream of over 30 years, feelings of not good enough to deserve - obviously - because of how long i've wanted this same thing, how reticent my dream is of becoming in my own life, my obvious lack of ability around creating what i want, etc. etc. etc.) yes, in case you were wondering : this is what 'trapped' feels like … take it from a (former) pro.

the most wonderful thing happened as i was ruminating/melting down/feeling sorry for me : i found a way to bring myself back from that awful place and into joy! yes! it was joy i felt when i heard abraham speak to this man about his 'worry.' the message abraham had for him (and for me) was : understand that this feeling is only a feeling. it is your choice to replace it with (turn attention to) a more pleasing, more tuned in feeling:

joy! satisfaction! love! peace! healing! abundance! kindness! happiness! blessings! appreciation! deserving! brotherhood! prosperity! clarity! hope! faith! awareness! gratitude!

etc.! etc.! etc.!

the truth is: it worked!

i know that i cannot give up. 

i will not give up. 

i know that my dream exists in my head and my heart, and is now making its way into my hands. 

i know what my dream is because i created it. 

i want what i want, and also and importantly know that it is already mine.

 i know this because i've seen it. 

i know this because i created it. 

...and i know that i am not at the beginning of my search.

it is with great appreciation, love, benevolence, gratitude, healing, and pearls that i have (again) shifted consciousness into the realm of reality : first in mind ...

from my head and my heart, and into my hands.

namaste, seeker.