even if ...

even if

nothing ever comes of it, i know i have answered my call.

even if

everything comes of it, i know i have answered my call.

that is all.

those who do, do.

those who do not, do not.

this morning i struggled with a feeling of 'trapped.' it seems i have spent a lifetime searching for 'my own' life, and have yet to hold in my hands the version of it that i desire. this version, which i carefully, thoughtfully created, lives vibrantly in my head and in my heart. i see it! i feel myself in it! i intimately know it! every fiber of my being knows its colors, textures, ambient temperature, tastes, smells, ambiance, lighting, occupants, schedules, the pattern of the quilt on my bed, how my time is spent, what i am accomplishing, and the extreme satisfaction of deliberately creating this dream. the ongoing creation has been with me, evolving, for many, many years, and so finding myself entrenched herein is the most delightful, satisfying thought i find myself thinking.

the life i find myself actually waking up to daily is alright, even good, and i so appreciate waking up in an environment that is safe, loving, and permits me to dream. when I first got here i knew it was a temporary rest stop, after having rescued myself from a charismatic, adventurous, highly toxic partner of several years. i was so happy to have found a respite, a new direction from which to leap into this fantastic dream. i relished my time, relished this new life, and found immense gratitude and abundance in it. i set out with an intention to heal, and so i have. to get from where i was (trapped, suicidal at times, and so scared) to where i am (also trapped, but in a more conducive cage), has taken several years. i have experienced great joy, peace, love and satisfaction here, and am very, very grateful. i have also diligently grown my dream, taking it from abstract to actual in my thoughts. this is also a source of much gratitude.

it strikes me that this identification of 'trapped' seems a recurrent pattern, and so it is with great appreciation that i was pondering it this morning. when this feeling creeps in and threatens to overtake whatever good i am currently intending, it seems to have a prescience and power i do not understand. i reflect on the questions of 'where i am,' 'where i've been,' and 'where i'm dreaming;' and (from the perspective of 'trapped') think intently on finding my way into the living of my own dream. you might imagine that (from this perspective) there are no real answers, no miraculous steps i have found to take, no obvious ways of true forward momentum … i am, in the moment of it, 'trapped.'

in the past, when i was a younger person, this feeling would contain impetus to create shift in my situation : i would pull up whatever stakes that were holding me in the place of 'trapped,' move on and begin anew; soon finding myself once again 'trapped' in another situation that in no way resembled my own dream for myself and my life; but did hold the recognition of forward momentum. in its own way it always felt 'right' to find myself in yet another situation, for the good of it, and for the not so good of it.

there were always adventures, always fun, always reason to keep going, until that old feeling would creep in and tell me it was time to go, yet again. i do realize that this is one way we are propelled forward in our respective journeys, but this time i am unwilling to face or contemplate a state of 'homeless,' which is why i am in this moment, feeling the feeling of 'trapped.' it seems in this time, 'trapped' is a more tenable position than 'homeless.' it feels a lot like a lesson, and i've set my sights on breaking this pattern : this time, allowing my way to find me. i am eager to experience my own next, and to do my best to be patient with myself to allow the unfolding. in the meantime i am doing all i can daily to prepare myself for the shift.

the truth is i am 'safe,' but increasingly restless. i am diligently moving my focus into the direction of my own sacred dream, and actively pursuing that 'whatever it is' that will bring me into it. i've opened several avenues from which this great shift (gift) may appear, and have faith in every one of them. i also have great faith in (and am on the lookout for) as yet unknown scenarios as they may come. i am open and receptive to new pathways of generation, and doing the beautiful work of setting my soul up for acceptance of forward momentum that divine intelligence has in store for me. i know i have something important to do here, and am actively, daily, doing the best i can to be receptive to the awareness of its certain direction.

in the contemplation of 'trapped' this morning came a marvelous shift; first, after wondering about why some people are able to seemingly move effortlessly into the direction of their dreams, creating consciously (or not), lives they truly want to live; why it has been my 'lot' to struggle so with even being able to create my own home for myself. i then wilted into meltdown around how much i 'just' want my home, 'just' want my own ability around being in my own life, with the ability to choose what that looks like, and how long in my life i've longed for these things.

i then recognized (and was able to name) the old feeling of 'trapped,' showing up again and again, and now again. the work i have recently been contemplating is abraham-hicks, (which has been unbelievably helpful with creating myself aware of my own accountability). one of the exercises i am doing is listening to various lessons on various topics. this morning i found (was lead to) one called 'reach for your inner resources.' there was a man from the audience who asked abraham about a recurring theme in his life : worrying. i recognized in that moment that 'trapped' is a recurring theme in my own life and listened intently. of course, the context of abraham's answer was directed toward this man's question, but i found so much guidance in the answer that i was able to not only bring myself out of the feeling of 'trapped,' but was able to identify it as a recurring pattern in my own life. i was able to see how i can help and love myself through the moments of recognition (despair, isolation, giving up, fear of homelessness, fear of 'is this really all there is,' time running out, abandonment by the universe for not bringing my dream of over 30 years, feelings of not good enough to deserve - obviously - because of how long i've wanted this same thing, how reticent my dream is of becoming in my own life, my obvious lack of ability around creating what i want, etc. etc. etc.) yes, in case you were wondering : this is what 'trapped' feels like … take it from a (former) pro.

the most wonderful thing happened as i was ruminating/melting down/feeling sorry for me : i found a way to bring myself back from that awful place and into joy! yes! it was joy i felt when i heard abraham speak to this man about his 'worry.' the message abraham had for him (and for me) was : understand that this feeling is only a feeling. it is your choice to replace it with (turn attention to) a more pleasing, more tuned in feeling:

joy! satisfaction! love! peace! healing! abundance! kindness! happiness! blessings! appreciation! deserving! brotherhood! prosperity! clarity! hope! faith! awareness! gratitude!

etc.! etc.! etc.!

the truth is: it worked!

i know that i cannot give up. 

i will not give up. 

i know that my dream exists in my head and my heart, and is now making its way into my hands. 

i know what my dream is because i created it. 

i want what i want, and also and importantly know that it is already mine.

 i know this because i've seen it. 

i know this because i created it. 

...and i know that i am not at the beginning of my search.

it is with great appreciation, love, benevolence, gratitude, healing, and pearls that i have (again) shifted consciousness into the realm of reality : first in mind ...

from my head and my heart, and into my hands.

namaste, seeker.