synchronicity

the problem with looking back is you can't see what's ahead ...

lately i've been thinking quite a bit about releasing the things i've brought into my experience which no longer serve me. i know cerebrally what these things are, but as with most things - even if a thing is unpleasant or daunting, longevity gives a certain presence : and thus acceptance in the maelstrom of me just living.

what strikes me in this moment is that i find myself saying 'what is, is.' a lot. this benign sounding statement is, in itself, creating (my life as i choose it). i hadn't realized that. the awareness, of course, is that this is the reason that what is, is, has become created. my 'inspired action' in this realization is to create! the simple (and necessary) difference i can make(!) is to re-create the statement : what is possible?

one of the rituals i treat myself to involves a mantra that i have that pretty much sums up my own true north :

i am strong and healthy in my mind, i am.

i am strong and healthy in my body, i am.

i am strong and healthy in my faith, i am.

when i began stating the mantra before sleep each night, i found that some of the dark places my mind tried to take me while i slept (awakening me occasionally with their lucidity) abated over time. this was validation of the beginning of reprogramming my mind. the mantra began to feel almost like a shield, a protector of my psyche, helping my mind, body and faith to become stronger : and a knowing of its power to help me became one of my most valued possessions. the mantra has now grown, and there are a couple more lines that added themselves :

i am strong and healthy in my optimism, i am.
i am strong and healthy in my finances, i am.

i am able, i am.

i am a blessed human, and i am grateful.

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

yes, that is 7 times. i find that when i say 'thank you' 7 times, my spirit feels viscerally lighter (and heard) by the universal intelligence. this exercise is (actually) only for me, as the universal intelligence always 'hears' me, whether i choose to tune in or not. not my words, per se, but who i am teaching the world that i am by my countenance, demeanor and emotions. i always get more of what i communicate that i want ... not with words, which spirit doesn't necessarily 'hear,' but rather with sensory and emotional feeling : also known as 'vibration.'

another benefit of the mantra is that i absolutely feel myself bringing my new reality, formerly known as my dream.

... and i've been seeing a lot of 5's lately (which heralds big change for my highest good)
... and a lot of 7's : saying 'you're on the right path. keep doing what you're doing.'

all of the above is called 

'synchronicity.' 

... and you, my dear, are involved : thank you, too.





it's good to be back : i've missed you!

...

back porch

to be clear, life is very, very good; and i am very, very grateful! this morning the message of today which makes itself clear in awareness is : 

find one thing in your life that gives you no trouble 

and brings unfettered joy, and fixate on that.

~ abraham hicks

i was a bit surprised 

to learn that this combination 

is not the 

easiest to pinpoint 

or discern.

it seems as though 'something in my life that gives no trouble' is a fairly straightforward direction, but when adding 'unfettered joy' into the equation ... let's just say it sparked in me the thought that i should contemplate it here, with you.

so, for something in my life that gives no trouble and brings unfettered joy, i am on my back porch in a hammock, the morning sun is sparkling, there is a warm breeze and honey bees are busy collecting pollen. butterflies flit and float in and out of view, and the poppies and daisies and cosmos are blooming. the curly willow is swaying in the breeze and the wind chime gently sings the lovely song of perfect pitch ... i have a tall skinny glass of fresh squeezed orange/grapefruit/tangerine juice, and the only sound is those sweet bees buzzing in concert with the chime in the soft breeze. this thought gives me no trouble and brings unfettered joy! but, alas, this does not fit the third criteria of the thought of the day : this is not my life -- except it is! in my head. 

the discovery here is this is all that's needed. if/when i create it in my head like i want it to be in my reality, i'm half-way there. the other half is working like crazy to put me right into that lovely hammock. my job is to enjoy it, and i most certainly do.

the wonderful thing about this thought is that i can also place my back porch anywhere in the world i want it, and i can make the morning the exact temperature that i want it to be. i can dress myself any way i like, and wear my hair any way i want. i can create my glass of juice with any fruits i'd like, or enjoy a smoothie. since i'm dreaming, i can place my back yard in a city or in the country or at the ocean or in the desert, and i can make my house out of rock or out of wood or brick or adobe. i can have the most perfect garden party planned for later in the day, or i can have a whole day to just hammock.

any way i imagine it, i am living it in my mind. my job, you see, is to imagine it like i want it to be, to be grateful for ability to see it, and to express my joy in it. i can look around where i am in my mind and see my own version of this moment, as i imagine it, and be so happy! the lesson here is not that this place exists only in my mind and it's not real, but that i can be happy -- i can conjure myself in a mental state of gratitude for the sweetness of everything working out just right, for how i feel when my day is perfect. in this kind of thought, i can feel the breeze on my skin, feel my body swinging gently in the hammock, see my house and the flowers in my yard, or place this porch in a resort or spa somewhere in the world, imagining myself there for a month or 6. writing this story gives my inner guide the idea of how i want my life to look in reality, and puts my north star on track toward the reality i see myself living in. the more i place myself in my hammock, the more clearly destiny lines me up for bringing my vision into reality. this kind of thought is the recipe for myself becoming the person in the hammock. 

what i know for sure is that where i am right now is the sum total of all the thoughts i've had about how life should be up to now. i'm really just learning to image myself into my own imagination. it's taken a while, and its because i didn't understand how to do it, or how important it is that i am consistent about doing it. 

another thing i know for sure is that if i would choose a different vision, that one would be the one that gets transmitted to my own inner guide. i can choose a positive outlook about how my life looks, or i can choose a negative outlook. it's entirely up to me. i can also choose to allow other people to dictate how my vision for myself looks, or i can choose to create my own : it's all up to me! now, that's a powerful thought ... don't you think?

i can commiserate how long it's taken me to get myself into this hammock, or i can relish being in it. i can cry about how far my 'reality' looks from this back porch, or i can enjoy it. you see, it's my choice. 

... and i'm so very eager for that glass of juice! sounds delicious!

watch this space...

even if ...

even if

nothing ever comes of it, i know i have answered my call.

even if

everything comes of it, i know i have answered my call.

that is all.

those who do, do.

those who do not, do not.

this morning i struggled with a feeling of 'trapped.' it seems i have spent a lifetime searching for 'my own' life, and have yet to hold in my hands the version of it that i desire. this version, which i carefully, thoughtfully created, lives vibrantly in my head and in my heart. i see it! i feel myself in it! i intimately know it! every fiber of my being knows its colors, textures, ambient temperature, tastes, smells, ambiance, lighting, occupants, schedules, the pattern of the quilt on my bed, how my time is spent, what i am accomplishing, and the extreme satisfaction of deliberately creating this dream. the ongoing creation has been with me, evolving, for many, many years, and so finding myself entrenched herein is the most delightful, satisfying thought i find myself thinking.

the life i find myself actually waking up to daily is alright, even good, and i so appreciate waking up in an environment that is safe, loving, and permits me to dream. when I first got here i knew it was a temporary rest stop, after having rescued myself from a charismatic, adventurous, highly toxic partner of several years. i was so happy to have found a respite, a new direction from which to leap into this fantastic dream. i relished my time, relished this new life, and found immense gratitude and abundance in it. i set out with an intention to heal, and so i have. to get from where i was (trapped, suicidal at times, and so scared) to where i am (also trapped, but in a more conducive cage), has taken several years. i have experienced great joy, peace, love and satisfaction here, and am very, very grateful. i have also diligently grown my dream, taking it from abstract to actual in my thoughts. this is also a source of much gratitude.

it strikes me that this identification of 'trapped' seems a recurrent pattern, and so it is with great appreciation that i was pondering it this morning. when this feeling creeps in and threatens to overtake whatever good i am currently intending, it seems to have a prescience and power i do not understand. i reflect on the questions of 'where i am,' 'where i've been,' and 'where i'm dreaming;' and (from the perspective of 'trapped') think intently on finding my way into the living of my own dream. you might imagine that (from this perspective) there are no real answers, no miraculous steps i have found to take, no obvious ways of true forward momentum … i am, in the moment of it, 'trapped.'

in the past, when i was a younger person, this feeling would contain impetus to create shift in my situation : i would pull up whatever stakes that were holding me in the place of 'trapped,' move on and begin anew; soon finding myself once again 'trapped' in another situation that in no way resembled my own dream for myself and my life; but did hold the recognition of forward momentum. in its own way it always felt 'right' to find myself in yet another situation, for the good of it, and for the not so good of it.

there were always adventures, always fun, always reason to keep going, until that old feeling would creep in and tell me it was time to go, yet again. i do realize that this is one way we are propelled forward in our respective journeys, but this time i am unwilling to face or contemplate a state of 'homeless,' which is why i am in this moment, feeling the feeling of 'trapped.' it seems in this time, 'trapped' is a more tenable position than 'homeless.' it feels a lot like a lesson, and i've set my sights on breaking this pattern : this time, allowing my way to find me. i am eager to experience my own next, and to do my best to be patient with myself to allow the unfolding. in the meantime i am doing all i can daily to prepare myself for the shift.

the truth is i am 'safe,' but increasingly restless. i am diligently moving my focus into the direction of my own sacred dream, and actively pursuing that 'whatever it is' that will bring me into it. i've opened several avenues from which this great shift (gift) may appear, and have faith in every one of them. i also have great faith in (and am on the lookout for) as yet unknown scenarios as they may come. i am open and receptive to new pathways of generation, and doing the beautiful work of setting my soul up for acceptance of forward momentum that divine intelligence has in store for me. i know i have something important to do here, and am actively, daily, doing the best i can to be receptive to the awareness of its certain direction.

in the contemplation of 'trapped' this morning came a marvelous shift; first, after wondering about why some people are able to seemingly move effortlessly into the direction of their dreams, creating consciously (or not), lives they truly want to live; why it has been my 'lot' to struggle so with even being able to create my own home for myself. i then wilted into meltdown around how much i 'just' want my home, 'just' want my own ability around being in my own life, with the ability to choose what that looks like, and how long in my life i've longed for these things.

i then recognized (and was able to name) the old feeling of 'trapped,' showing up again and again, and now again. the work i have recently been contemplating is abraham-hicks, (which has been unbelievably helpful with creating myself aware of my own accountability). one of the exercises i am doing is listening to various lessons on various topics. this morning i found (was lead to) one called 'reach for your inner resources.' there was a man from the audience who asked abraham about a recurring theme in his life : worrying. i recognized in that moment that 'trapped' is a recurring theme in my own life and listened intently. of course, the context of abraham's answer was directed toward this man's question, but i found so much guidance in the answer that i was able to not only bring myself out of the feeling of 'trapped,' but was able to identify it as a recurring pattern in my own life. i was able to see how i can help and love myself through the moments of recognition (despair, isolation, giving up, fear of homelessness, fear of 'is this really all there is,' time running out, abandonment by the universe for not bringing my dream of over 30 years, feelings of not good enough to deserve - obviously - because of how long i've wanted this same thing, how reticent my dream is of becoming in my own life, my obvious lack of ability around creating what i want, etc. etc. etc.) yes, in case you were wondering : this is what 'trapped' feels like … take it from a (former) pro.

the most wonderful thing happened as i was ruminating/melting down/feeling sorry for me : i found a way to bring myself back from that awful place and into joy! yes! it was joy i felt when i heard abraham speak to this man about his 'worry.' the message abraham had for him (and for me) was : understand that this feeling is only a feeling. it is your choice to replace it with (turn attention to) a more pleasing, more tuned in feeling:

joy! satisfaction! love! peace! healing! abundance! kindness! happiness! blessings! appreciation! deserving! brotherhood! prosperity! clarity! hope! faith! awareness! gratitude!

etc.! etc.! etc.!

the truth is: it worked!

i know that i cannot give up. 

i will not give up. 

i know that my dream exists in my head and my heart, and is now making its way into my hands. 

i know what my dream is because i created it. 

i want what i want, and also and importantly know that it is already mine.

 i know this because i've seen it. 

i know this because i created it. 

...and i know that i am not at the beginning of my search.

it is with great appreciation, love, benevolence, gratitude, healing, and pearls that i have (again) shifted consciousness into the realm of reality : first in mind ...

from my head and my heart, and into my hands.

namaste, seeker.

on wrongdoing

the inherent problem with doing something that i, myself, consider 'wrong' is that i, myself, must think about it. i am, by nature and by reputation, a 'good' person; therefore, when i cause my soul to ache by something i have done that i consider to be outside the realm of 'good,' it causes my heart pain. this is the lesson of 'truth will set you free.'

when i keep my own counsel and create my own actions 'clean,' i have nothing upon my heart for which i, myself, must atone. the 'truth' in the instance of doing 'bad' is simply my own hurt.

instead of being able to concentrate upon what i most want to set my mind upon, i find my thoughts making an arrow, piercing my 'good' intentions and lessons with prostrations of that which i have done 'wrong.'

correction seems impossible, although, in order to clean it up (even if only in my own countenance), it must be attempted. this will not heal the 'wrong' in my own soul, as i now know that i have it in me to do wrong. this is the part that must be corrected. i am lucky that the 'wrong' will cause no harm to another, however, i am saddened that i could have done this; even if only to myself.

one day i will find no more ability to cause harm to my own soul. i will know my own conscious 'clean,' and act accordingly.

of course it will pass and all be fine, although i myself must live with my own transgression :

we are a blessed species to be able to change everything with only a thought. 

that which i seek is only a moment away, should i only think it : which is why 'truth' is so important. when i allow myself to do 'wrong,' my thoughts are upon those things, instead of the things i delve to find in myself.

not that i consider myself particularly 'righteous.' i certainly don't, but i do make (most) every attempt to keep my thoughts toward the direction of dreams : of light : of 'right.'

i am a seeker of truth - this much i have learned about myself in this go-around ... and the truth i find most relevant is around (my own) creation of 'good' in the world.

for i know, when it seems that my soul cries out in anguish it is only a lack of love. i have created in me, within one moment, a moment of lovelessness in and for myself. i seek love in this world : as my lungs seek air, as my eyes seek sunrise, as my nostrils seek roses.

my birthright is love : this is imbued by my creator, and as necessary as air, sunrise and roses.

there is no one to forgive me, except me, and i will, in time, forgive myself : and do better.

i am grateful for the opportunity to do better, and so i shall.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

on this new day

2019

by my own power i choose how my life shows up. 

by my own strength, abilities, desires, love, gratitude and thoughts does my own precious dream now appear. 

i am that its presence brings my inner giant out of its incubating consciousness and into the vast, beautiful reality of every day of the rest of my time in this realm, i am.

by my own power do i offer my strength, abilities, desires, love, gratitude and thoughts to the eternal being i call source. 

i call now my dream into being. 

i claim my right to all of life that is available to me. 

i am powerful : and grateful. 

i am humbled by its prescience - its insistence upon its birth, the knowing in me that it is important. 

i know its sacredness and i know how blessed a being i am. 

i come now to that which is eternal source, allowing full flow of the conduit of light, and am amazed. 

in love, light and in the overflowing fullness of gratitude, 

i am intention. 

my dream is come : i am in awe and i am grateful.