and now, juneteenth

 

2021 : a national holiday

happy juneteenth!

the wheels of justice turn slowly : but they do turn.

the way appears

 

quit running away from ... begin moving toward ...

running away from __________ only extends the time it takes to see it in the actual rear view. in order to really see ____________ in that rear view, you've got to look forward ... into what's next, whether you can actually see anything there or not. the windshield you're looking through should be clean and free of distractions. you should by now have a sense of the direction you'll head, so set out!

if you don't have a fair sense of your direction, get one! then set out!

of greatest importance is setting out! getting the show on the road! putting one day at a time between here & whatever is there! ... and firm in the knowing that whatever is there will materialize as i set out on the way! 

as you start to walk on the way, the way appears ~rumi

i'm so thrilled in this time to start out on the way! for the first time, i am confident in my own ability : thank you source!

now i simply have to figure out how to quell the addiction; the constancy of a 10 year friendship/relationship/partnership. i know it's important to my forward momentum to do this alone; not try and fill the hole with something bad for me ... or with something good for me. i do not need any holes filled : i must feel myself alone ... feel myself pulling myself away from the overwhelming urge to pick up the phone and call, as i have so many thousands of times over the past years. 

on the way out here to find out the truth of us i heard 3 times in one day how i would simply have to follow my heart : i heard and heeded and did, and found the answers i was looking for : it took a bit of courage to face the truth of it ...

i may talk myself into being righteously angry : or i may talk myself into allowing my anger to meld into the story of the end of us. it is surely the end of us, and even as the ending is thus, so is it the beginning. here is the actual brass ring i've been searching for as long as i can remember!

the thing that hurts the most is that it feels as though you threw us away. even though i did not want to be here, i still was, and it hurt to think how little that meant to you. you are too good at talking out of both sides of your mouth ... i was convinced that you were worth it, and thus i was not. the conundrum was, for me, always whether i should go with your needs or mine. we went with yours for a while, then mine. yours ultimately took the day however, and so that left mine without a home or even an honest intention.

here's what is relevant though : in this time, this lovely, hard, beautiful, sad, hopeful, inevitable moment of endings & beginnings, i choose (because i can) to look forward, through the bright & beautiful windshield and into the sun. i shall watch the clouds gather in my rear view, and wish good rain upon the earth ...

i am whole : i am enough : i am : i am : i am

new thought : new outlook : new life

 

you can't wait until life isn't hard anymore, 

before you decide to be happy 

~ jane marczewski

thing is ... lots of people have settled for some form of 'unhappy' as a way of being because they have lost the ability (interest?) to see joy or peace. settling for life's hardness as a matter of course : seeing it that way, expecting it to be hard, waking each day with a sense of dread; or moreover, without a sense of curiosity, wonder or open-ness to joy in the mundane is a symptom. when the first thought of the day brings itself from the spirit of 'i'm not okay, and therefore i will create my relationships with every being i encounter from the perspective of how 'bad' things really are,' it very often holds a powerful ability to create the trajectory of the day toward the self-fulfilling idea of how awful things really are ...

look for yourself where you are. ... thanks abraham!

so, to redirect this thought ... which is as simple as creating a new thought ... let's bring about the good stuff. give yourself and those you're in life with a hug : physical, mental, relationally, or in other ways you can conjure. it is important to always, always be of service to the good in life; and there is no more grand creation than becoming your own best advocate, and teaching others that your advocacy is part of your way of being, and they can count on you for it. this in turn creates in you the ability to become advocate for other good in the world, synergistically. in the words of the airline : put your own mask on first! your own air flow is the only way you can begin to assist ... even if your assistance includes sharing your air! 'they' don't call it the 'breath of life' for nothing you know...

now, extrapolate the scenarios contained in each of the two paragraphs above to day after day after day. consider the possibility of the reality in living each storyline contains .

there is pure access in living life from the perspective of what you do want, instead of the equal but opposite : the perspective of what you don't want. getting 'used to' imagining what you do want involves a bit of introspection, a bit of courage, and a bit of 'why not???' breathed into the concoction only you can create!

getting 'used to' allowing yourself the power of creation also involves getting your balance; and getting rid of inertia! the law of inertia says that you will stay where you are unless you are interrupted by a force. now, in truth, life itself keeps on going, so there is every chance that inertia will be interrupted anyway ... power is possibility to endeavor/delve to become your own best force.

power is joy

power is knowing

power is advocacy

power is ability

power is whatever one needs it to be in service of living one's only life congruously. 

become an advocate for the good in the world, consciously. ... the only requisite is advocacy for your own good-ness in the world.

hallelujah!

when i allow myself to 'purge,' i feel much better --

lighter, free'er, more like i'm respecting me, instead of swallowing whole something that feels & tastes like moldy bread.

it feels equally good to be free of something that causes a never healing wound in my soul -- & equally in my heart. ... & also equally good to finally be on my way!! headlong into my future -- one of my own choosing!

for, if i have learned anything, it is this :

*     I AM FREE     *

*     I CHOOSE     *

*     HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB     *

serendipity

 

i aspire to trust that what unfolds is for the best : and to trust in my own ability to create my own best.

i aspire to create myself within what unfolds; bringing the cast of characters and situations and circumstances with clarity in my own self-ascribed north star.

should an idea begin and should i nourish and sustain it, a certain set of circumstances becomes set into motion, only guided by my own love ... 

what do i love?

i am, and know my own blessing, my own admittance into my own dream.

sifting & sorting1 gives me the idea of what i do want and what i don't want ...

1thanks abraham!

forgiveness must come also : first for myself. my having not been perfect is exactly the wounds where the light came in2

2thanks rumi, lao tzu, leonard cohen. (to the bibliophiles among us, it is, for me, a rumi-esque or rather taoist thought, thunk by leonard cohen.)

i believe a large part of advancing beyond self-forgiveness is about a willingness to move on from whatever it is that no longer serves in order to advance my own self into my own future. the thing is, being of service is a two-way street, and if i find myself being of service into my universe and i find my universe being of service into my way forward, then mutuality has occurred.

the mistake that i hear most often is when being of service into our own universe harms another. being of service, in itself advocates a willingness to offer whatever gifts one has to give.

how may i serve?3

3thanks! dr. wayne dyer; thanks and hail to the chief jfk!

'service' in this context is the giving of gifts from the heart, whatever they may be.

when you see someone, offer a smile of acknowledgement. one of the ways we can reconnect with our own soul is in reconnecting with others, our hearts full of namaste : 

to declare oneself able to be, do and have usually requires a bit of work in the 'able' context.

the courage to do, be & have all i choose to do be & have begins with fixation upon freedom, of self allowance, awareness and self countenance. freedom implies one lives in satiety with their being ... if one is not 'free' then one is encumbered to the 'is' of what is, is.

acceptance of 'is' is taking a hard left when the directions called for smoothly moving forward...

i've already been 'stuck.' i didn't like it one bit.

my preference? what is possible?

which gets right back to trust in unfoldment & creation of my own best.

dearest david

 first & foremost, thank you!

Your generosity of spirit is one of your most super of superpowers.

you showed me much about what is inside myself, and i am better for having known you.

i always knew i could trust you with my life -- i somehow also always knew that i could never trust you with my heart.

if you ever find yourself wondering 'why?' i have 3 words for you:

jolene ... jolene ... jolene.*

i'm not sure what you call her; 
i just call her 'NEXT.' 

the truth is, i've known about a number of 'them' through the years, although probably not all of them.

she, however, is the 'right' one for me to end the lie of you and me

*don't worry, dear reader ... the version of this paper i gave to its antagonist had her actual full name ... and the (real) names of all of 'them' have been changed herein. none are innocent, but there's no blame, and certainly no hard feelings (from me) either. while it's not ok for them to entertain feelings with an otherwise partnered person, that's their karma.

with all of them, it's always the same : you meet them, seduce them, keep them enthralled with your stories & poems until you're bored; and then just wait for the 'next' one.

'she' appears without fail -- again & again.

*I DESERVE BETTER.*

my advice? when you find someone you want to be with,

STOP.
SEDUCING.
OTHER.
WOMEN.

        ... or don't.

if this story were a book, it would be called: 

'CHEATER : when 'friendship' turns sensual, then sexual.'

don't try to lie to yourself, or to me : you did this ... i can actually name several of 'them.' they were all seduced & sexualized in some form or another. by you.

a couple were brief --
a couple more lasted years.

i'm sure that this 'next' will come to know the whole cast of them, one way or another ... oh, wait, she's married! whatever will you do?

suffer? poor you.

you brought at least two into our relationship when it was new, and got a few more after we were together.

i realize you do not find any harm in this/your behavior, and are probably only continuing long held habits.

know this : it's NOT ok.

i could have simply left & not let you know how much this behavior hurts, but i would like for you to know in your heart of hearts that 

actions have consequences.

regarding the set of facts that have been gathering through the years, the court of public opinion will say that i am foolish for having stayed as long as i did. i agree! while i 'knew' it was all going on, i also 'knew' i would face myself ultimately, and wanted to be certain of my own ability to recover in my countenance. while the 'fact' of your behavior stopped any ability on my part to find myself able to imagine a future with you, i also loved my life with you : until i didn't. 

you will say that i was never a prisoner here : that i was always free to go. in a literal sense, that may have been true. practically, however, it was never even an option. readers of this blog will recall that my last post was a long time ago, and addressed this very topic.

it was at the point of 'didn't love my life with you' several years ago that i committed to, and began creating the ability for, my exit. it took a lot longer than i would have wanted, but i was ultimately successful in its execution, and have you to thank for the ideas of some of the  components.

based on some articles, conversations, titles of books, television shows, etc. the problem of a woman's ability to exit a 'bad' relationship is a massive, massive issue.

i feel very lucky to have been able to conjure it, figure it out and move myself forward. it took a patience that went way beyond understanding, and the same kind of crazy peace in myself to allow for the pace of its slow but sure fruition.

this past year has obviously, also, prepared you for my departure ... thus i am happy to see you so publicly moving forward.

it's all good.

through it all, i learned a lot about what 'want,' and 'don't want.' so, for the lessons, i am grateful ... & for the fun!

i have also learned (thankfully) through this process that i am able to conjure my own way forward, and most importantly that my time is the most valuable thing i possess; certainly more important to me than to spend any more of it with someone who does not value or respect me enough to be faithful. ... NO.

i now conjure a spiritual equal; 

a journeyer, a seeker,

one in whom i may rest; who finds respite in me.

it's funny in a way : kathy asked me if there is someone else ... i sort of laughed to myself -- i have never once cheated on you -- nor even flirted with anyone.

... certainly did not advance 'friendship' beyond 'friends.'

i held you & my attachment to you in too high esteem

to sully it with something so base as a stupid dalliance!!! 

*much less 5 or 10 of them!*

so, i'm done scolding you now ... thanks in part to you, i fully know my worth ... i will always remember our time together fondly.

i will be fine & will find something nice for myself -- whether with or without a partner -- but probably with.

i did (& do) love you david.

when, pray tell, did you 'END' it with me? 

... as surely you would have her believe, no? 

... as they've surely all believed?

none of it matters, i suppose ...
it is ended - i'm gone. 

i'm glad you landed somewhere soft ... i told you you would -- they all think you're a rock star.

clearly this one likes your "need" -- i'm glad.

the downer (for me) is that you didn't have the COURAGE to end it with me ... or even to tell me!!

the difference this time is i'm gone ... you made our entire time together a lie over & over & over again.

i never imagined you a COWARD, but alas --

dalliances:
verna                    karen                      
juanita                     amanda
beatrice                    jolene

these are the ones that i can remember/know about : all during 'our' time together.

seriously, i had shoved it all so deep inside i didn't even realize how much i despised it.

i wasn't yet ready to not be in life with you, i guess; 

unless somewhere in the long ago i promised to repay you for something -- which is possible.

if i'm honest, i've been subconsciously conjuring our separation for years.

i tried & tried to let you go ...

wanted you to! 

you didn't want to : wouldn't!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you always said i was free

Now I AM!!

it's exhilarating, scary, full of promises i've made to myself, exciting, awaiting, & ready to show itself to me!!!

so, thank you for being part of my journey thru here -- you pirate you ...

... & now i can be WHO I AM --

 -- & my debt is done ...

IT'S MY TURN ~

FROM MY HEAD

& MY HEART

& INTO MY HANDS

... & you really were the wind beneath my wings; 

just as you promised.

you also said to me that first night we met :

"I AM THE WIND, YOU ARE THE SAIL!"

on that magical night, i thought to let you kiss me deeply ...

if you wanted to.

instead, i said to you

"NO. I AM THE WIND."

the kiss was just a brush of lips touched together; and a hasty 'goodnight.'

& now, some years later, 
we blow our own way --

it is the natural way of things

when stars collide.