first & foremost, thank you!
Your generosity of spirit is one of your most super of superpowers.
you showed me much about what is inside myself, and i am better for having known you.
i always knew i could trust you with my life -- i somehow also always knew that i could never trust you with my heart.
if you ever find yourself wondering 'why?' i have 3 words for you:
jolene ... jolene ... jolene.*
i'm not sure what you call her;
i just call her 'NEXT.'
the truth is, i've known about a number of 'them' through the years, although probably not all of them.
she, however, is the 'right' one for me to end the lie of you and me
*don't worry, dear reader ... the version of this paper i gave to its antagonist had her actual full name ... and the (real) names of all of 'them' have been changed herein. none are innocent, but there's no blame, and certainly no hard feelings (from me) either. while it's not ok for them to entertain feelings with an otherwise partnered person, that's their karma.
with all of them, it's always the same : you meet them, seduce them, keep them enthralled with your stories & poems until you're bored; and then just wait for the 'next' one.
'she' appears without fail -- again & again.
*I DESERVE BETTER.*
my advice? when you find someone you want to be with,
SEDUCING.
OTHER.
WOMEN.
... or don't.
if this story were a book, it would be called: 'CHEATER : when 'friendship' turns sensual, then sexual.'
don't try to lie to yourself, or to me : you did this ... i can actually name several of 'them.' they were all seduced & sexualized in some form or another. by you.
a couple were brief --
a couple more lasted years.
i'm sure that this 'next' will come to know the whole cast of them, one way or another ... oh, wait, she's married! whatever will you do?
suffer? poor you.
you brought at least two into our relationship when it was new, and got a few more after we were together.
i realize you do not find any harm in this/your behavior, and are probably only continuing long held habits.
know this : it's NOT ok.
i could have simply left & not let you know how much this behavior hurts, but i would like for you to know in your heart of hearts that
actions have consequences.
regarding the set of facts that have been gathering through the years, the court of public opinion will say that i am foolish for having stayed as long as i did. i agree! while i 'knew' it was all going on, i also 'knew' i would face myself ultimately, and wanted to be certain of my own ability to recover in my countenance. while the 'fact' of your behavior stopped any ability on my part to find myself able to imagine a future with you, i also loved my life with you : until i didn't.
you will say that i was never a prisoner here : that i was always free to go. in a literal sense, that may have been true. practically, however, it was never even an option. readers of this blog will recall that my last post was a long time ago, and addressed this very topic.
it was at the point of 'didn't love my life with you' several years ago that i committed to, and began creating the ability for, my exit. it took a lot longer than i would have wanted, but i was ultimately successful in its execution, and have you to thank for the ideas of some of the components.
based on some articles, conversations, titles of books, television shows, etc. the problem of a woman's ability to exit a 'bad' relationship is a massive, massive issue.
i feel very lucky to have been able to conjure it, figure it out and move myself forward. it took a patience that went way beyond understanding, and the same kind of crazy peace in myself to allow for the pace of its slow but sure fruition.
this past year has obviously, also, prepared you for my departure ... thus i am happy to see you so publicly moving forward.
it's all good.
through it all, i learned a lot about what 'want,' and 'don't want.' so, for the lessons, i am grateful ... & for the fun!
i have also learned (thankfully) through this process that i am able to conjure my own way forward, and most importantly that my time is the most valuable thing i possess; certainly more important to me than to spend any more of it with someone who does not value or respect me enough to be faithful. ... NO.
i now conjure a spiritual equal;
a journeyer, a seeker,
one in whom i may rest; who finds respite in me.
it's funny in a way : kathy asked me if there is someone else ... i sort of laughed to myself -- i have never once cheated on you -- nor even flirted with anyone.
... certainly did not advance 'friendship' beyond 'friends.'
i held you & my attachment to you in too high esteem
to sully it with something so base as a stupid dalliance!!!
*much less 5 or 10 of them!*
so, i'm done scolding you now ... thanks in part to you, i fully know my worth ... i will always remember our time together fondly.
i will be fine & will find something nice for myself -- whether with or without a partner -- but probably with.
i did (& do) love you david.
when, pray tell, did you 'END' it with me?
... as surely you would have her believe, no?
... as they've surely all believed?
none of it matters, i suppose ...
it is ended - i'm gone.
i'm glad you landed somewhere soft ... i told you you would -- they all think you're a rock star.
clearly this one likes your "need" -- i'm glad.
the downer (for me) is that you didn't have the COURAGE to end it with me ... or even to tell me!!
the difference this time is i'm gone ... you made our entire time together a lie over & over & over again.
i never imagined you a COWARD, but alas --
dalliances:
verna karen
juanita amanda
beatrice jolene
these are the ones that i can remember/know about : all during 'our' time together.
seriously, i had shoved it all so deep inside i didn't even realize how much i despised it.
i wasn't yet ready to not be in life with you, i guess;
unless somewhere in the long ago i promised to repay you for something -- which is possible.
if i'm honest, i've been subconsciously conjuring our separation for years.
i tried & tried to let you go ...
wanted you to!
you didn't want to : wouldn't!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you always said i was free
Now I AM!!
it's exhilarating, scary, full of promises i've made to myself, exciting, awaiting, & ready to show itself to me!!!
so, thank you for being part of my journey thru here -- you pirate you ...
... & now i can be WHO I AM --
-- & my debt is done ...
IT'S MY TURN ~
FROM MY HEAD
& MY HEART
& INTO MY HANDS
... & you really were the wind beneath my wings;
just as you promised.
you also said to me that first night we met :
"I AM THE WIND, YOU ARE THE SAIL!"
on that magical night, i thought to let you kiss me deeply ...
if you wanted to.
instead, i said to you
"NO. I AM THE WIND."
the kiss was just a brush of lips touched together; and a hasty 'goodnight.'
we blow our own way --
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